When Performance Anxiety Took the Stage

00:00:04: Hello, and welcome to the Inner Take podcast.

00:00:11: My name is Ramon Gardella And I'm your host.

00:00:14: The Inner Take is a podcast for musicians.

00:00:17: It's space to talk about what happens inside us when we make music... ...the thoughts & feelings that shape how we play!

00:00:24: I will share my experience as musician What i've learned along the way.. ..and I'll talk with other musicians About their journey.

00:00:30: This podcast isn't about technique.

00:00:33: it's about what happened Inside Us When We Make Music.

00:00:36: So if you're a musician, stay right there.

00:00:39: Welcome to the Inner Take!

00:00:41: Let's begin.

00:00:53: Hello and welcome to the first episode of The Inner Take podcast.

00:00:58: We are at the beginning of twenty-twenty six And I'm so happy to present this new podcast.

00:01:04: In this first Episode i am going talk about you and present You A New Space Which is Mental Notes.

00:01:14: Mental notes is space for musicians who want to understand what happens inside them when they make music.

00:01:22: I will say it again, mental notes are a space for musician's that wants to understand What happens inside of them When They Make Music.

00:01:30: So in the inner tape podcast i'll talk about The experience Of making music Thoughts and mostly emotions and doubts That shape how we play And How We live Making music.

00:01:42: I will also read interesting things, share with you personal stuff experiences stories and interview people.

00:01:51: And most important i will reach to musicians who need this space.

00:01:55: well...I'll try to reach the musicians.

00:01:58: so..i would really love to create a community!

00:02:12: mostly because I thought, i'm not ready to talk about the things im going to talk abut and the language.

00:02:20: so I decided to do this in English.

00:02:23: And there are gonna be some episodes In Spanish or German or Portuguese depends on topic and guest who is talking me.

00:02:34: So let's start telling you a bit about myself.

00:02:39: I am a professional musician and professional percussionist from Argentina, from Buenos Aires.

00:02:45: And ten years ago, in twenty fifteen when i was playing at the opera orchestra of Buenos Aires... ...I decided to quit everything and start my studies in Germany!

00:02:58: I left home town and moved to Germany To start my master at the University of Music of Cologne Hochschule für Musik on Tanz Köln.

00:03:10: I started taking three lessons a week, i started making all the changes that i've dreamed off technical changes playing german style in the timpani and snare drum .i was very happy about this ,of course little bit insecure because it was huge step but i was doing.

00:03:31: I started meeting new colleagues, playing some auditions.

00:03:38: You know to start a life here and one day... ...I started hearing the voice at my head who said you're not good enough!

00:03:51: You are NOT as good as your colleagues.

00:03:55: Your colleagues are playing so much better than YOU And i started be really anxious and nervous and not only at concerts but at lessons.

00:04:08: And I started to compare myself with the others, saying that they are not ready for this.

00:04:17: This is bad!

00:04:18: What am i doing here?

00:04:19: Why did I leave everything there in Argentina?

00:04:24: now I'm suffering and shaking on

00:04:27: stage?!

00:04:29: And it was very strong...I felt really bad.

00:04:34: I cannot explain you how it was like hell, because this is what i wanted to do and couldn't.

00:04:41: I couldn't play!

00:04:42: I could not get on stage and play.

00:04:44: so I decided that I have to make something else... ...I can not solve these playing more hours practicing more hours This is something else.

00:04:55: And a colleague recommended me a therapist.. ..and wrote to the therapist.

00:05:03: I want this away, because it's bothering me.

00:05:08: And i want to do music and perform in Germany like the way that I wanted.

00:05:17: So...I started a process.

00:05:20: This took me ten years Ten years to be sitting now telling you this!

00:05:28: I've learned so many things doing these processes about myself And of course, a lot of development as musicians and all the things I learned.

00:05:39: And technically personally... ...and also great colleagues that made places or ensembles I played.

00:05:48: Now ten years ago i started this podcast on mental notes because.. ..I'm really sure thanks to these processes.... ..I am where I am!

00:05:58: Of course everything was done musically but because I gave place to all this side of myself, who was suffering.

00:06:10: To analyze which is the voice that's talking to me at my head saying telling me hey you're not enough.

00:06:17: thanks to these process i am where i'm and could put music on a site.

00:06:25: take care of yourself then put it again first.

00:06:32: So, this podcast and the experience I will share to you is a personal experience like now.

00:06:41: Like i'm telling what happened with me but also sharing very clear concepts about doing music.

00:06:50: for example am I making music or do my career in music?

00:06:56: Do we know that difference?

00:06:57: ?

00:06:57: Well it's not same thing.

00:07:00: Am I playing music for myself, or am i the whole time playing for someone else?

00:07:06: But don't worry because there are going to be full episodes about these themes and I'm also doing this.

00:07:12: Because I know that so many musicians friends colleagues students professional musicians Are struggling with These with things like fear Comparing themselves two colleagues tired of playing in an orchestra or you know ensemble great musicians who think what they do is not enough and I really have proof about it.

00:07:36: In twenty-twenty two, I started teaching masterclass in Argentina at universities And i met so many young talented people playing really good stuff and making a good improvement with such an enormous amount of fear to fail or fear win an audition.

00:08:01: So they asked me, hey how do I play this in order not to make mistakes?

00:08:07: And i was talking to them about music but we were talking mostly about okay what is an audition or does it mean to you?

00:08:17: and the last experience had a friend of mine which is professional musician who didn't.

00:08:29: and he told me, you know I'm not sure if i can play my instruments.

00:08:34: And he plays... He knows how to play!

00:08:39: He did professional operas in concert.. ..and he wasn't sure if he could play his instrument?

00:08:49: ...And it's very hard....I know how hard is be nervous the whole time.....to have fear for a lesson...... To be happier when project is cancelled because You know this is too much for you to play.

00:09:03: I now how it's practice, practice and have a bad time on stage And i also.

00:09:10: the situations are solved in community because we all having same troubles The formal musical training spaces.

00:09:19: they don't talk about us.

00:09:20: This not central.

00:09:24: It isn´t important.

00:09:28: it has never been part of the program.

00:09:31: So we are all on the same train and have all the same issues, there's no spaces to talk about this!

00:09:42: Okay so that was my first episode pretty much a personal experience for myself but I think its very important for me.

00:09:52: you understand why am i doing this.

00:09:59: That's why I showed you my story or part of it.

00:10:02: I'm going to tell much more about how this process is and was, And we're gonna continue in the next episodes... ...and dive really deep into these things that are B-musicians making music and what happens inside us when we make music.

00:10:26: If something in this episode resonated with you, I invite to take a look on mental notes.

00:10:31: The link is the description.

00:10:34: there You'll find text videos and shared resources that can help you explore these ideas further And most importantly space to talk about them.

00:10:44: Thank you for taking time to listen Until next time.

00:10:48: see you bye-bye.